


everything flows; here comes another new day

by Lise



Series: Remember This Cold [66]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Casket of Ancient Winters, Emotions, Family Issues, Fantastic Racism, Jotunn Loki (Marvel), Jötunheimr | Jotunheim, Loki (Marvel) Has Issues, M/M, POV Steve Rogers, Post-Thor: Ragnarok (2017), addressing the giant in the room, this is probably not the fic you think it is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-13
Updated: 2018-03-13
Packaged: 2019-03-30 23:45:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13962672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lise/pseuds/Lise
Summary: It is possible that Loki didn't leave the Vault on Asgard empty-handed. It is, in fact, likely.Or, the one where Loki has to face some home truths, Steve and Thor have a talk, and Wanda, Clint, and Pietro make some stew.





	everything flows; here comes another new day

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not sure where I decided the need for this fic came from. A number of people have asked me over the years if I was going to deal with the whole Jotun thing, and I've always said that I didn't know how to approach it - I'm still not sure I do, but apparently the way I needed to come at it was "sideways." And possibly I needed to wait until now for it to work. I'm not sure this fic could have happened before this point, character-wise. 
> 
> But I am probably saying too much. This fic takes place after the events of _the hills on fire for miles_ , back on Earth.
> 
> Thanks to [my tireless beta](http://ameliarating.tumblr.com), who has edited basically every goddamn word of this verse. 
> 
> This is the last Remember This Cold fic that I currently have written - I expect there will be more in the upcoming months, maybe even before Infinity War comes out ~~and ruins everything~~. Thank you all for continuing on this ride with me, and follow me [on Tumblr](http://veliseraptor.tumblr.com) for updates on writing, extra commentary on fics, assorted meta, and a whole lot of feelings-blogging.

“I need to show you something,” Loki said, finally pausing in his pacing and turning toward Steve. His expression was strange, tight, like he was bracing for a disaster, and Steve felt himself tense as well.

“Show me,” he said.

Loki looked at him for several moments longer, then made a complicated gesture in front of his chest and drew out two objects, setting them both down on the table one next to the other.

The first wasn’t familiar. It was a faintly glowing, blue, oddly shaped box with handles on both sides and a pattern that looked almost etched in glass. The second was almost too familiar. The Tesseract looked just the same as it had when he’d last seen it leaving with Loki and Thor the first time; the same as it had when Red Skull had been holding it in the 40s.

“I took them from the Vault,” Loki said. “When the...just after I woke Surtur.”

Just after he’d sent Steve away, he filled in, and pushed down what that made him feel.

“Does Thor know?” Steve asked. “Or Frigga? Why didn’t you leave it with her?”

“No,” Loki said. Steve gave him an incredulous look, and Loki shook his head. “No, I - Steve. That-” He pointed at the Tesseract. “It gives off a very powerful magical signal. The sort of thing that can be heard across Realms. And Thanos wants it.”

It took Steve a moment to understand what Loki was getting at. “So it’s better to have it _here?_ ”

“Better here where we can guard it! Where Thanos already knows there is one Infinity Stone! We know he will be coming here eventually, I thought…” He trailed off, something suddenly unsteady and uncertain in his bearing.

“Why not tell Thor?” Steve asked.

“I suppose I fear what he would make of my motives.” Loki stared at the table, his eyebrows drawn together. “I cannot decide, in truth...if it is better for it to stay here, or if I should...cast it away somewhere else.”

“You said it’d be better if it stayed.”

“But am I just saying that because I crave the kind of power it offers?” Loki gave Steve a tired smile. “It’s not untrue. Even standing here I can hear it singing to me. There’s a... _pull_ , to that kind of power. When I used it before…” He trailed off, and a strange sort of hunger slid across his eyes. Steve’s skin crawled.

“Don’t,” he said roughly. “Put it away.”

Loki glanced at him, sharply, and Steve wondered if he should just ask Loki to give it over, but - he didn’t want it. He wasn’t sure he trusted _anyone_ with that thing. At least Loki knew better than anyone else what it was and what it could do.

The Tesseract vanished again and Steve let out a breath he’d been holding. “That thing,” he said. “It’s nothing but bad news. We need to...we should talk about what to do with it, as a team.”

Something tightened in Loki’s face, just visible around his eyes. “None of you understand it.”

“Maybe not,” Steve said. “But you can explain. At the very least everyone should know that it’s _here._ ”

He stayed tense, almost frozen, until Loki nodded. “Very well,” he said.

“Thank you.” Steve paused, then looked toward the other object. “And...what’s that?” He asked, almost afraid to know.

“Ah,” Loki said. “That.” He fell silent, and Steve shifted nervously, about to ask again, but Loki seemingly shook himself. “That is...the Casket of Ancient Winters. It…” He breathed in, then out. “Perhaps it’s simpler to show you.”

He reached out to pick up the box, withdrew slightly, then wrapped his hands around the handles and lifted it. For a moment nothing happened, and then Steve felt a peculiar ripple in the air, a brief slice of bitingly cold wind, and Loki shifted, raising red eyes to look at Steve. The blue inside the Casket swirled and then calmed.

Loki set it back down but he didn’t change back. “It belongs to Jotunheim,” he said. His voice sounded slightly different in this shape - slightly lower, more resonant. “I do not know...exactly what they use it for. But it is an item of no small power, and they were willing to lose a great deal to get it back.”

Steve sat down slowly. “Why did you take it?”

“I don’t know.” Loki stepped back away from the Casket, shifting back into his usual form. “It was - how I proved it to myself, you know. That I was not…” He made a small sound. “That I am...one of them. A frost giant. One of them touched me and I changed instead of burning, but I needed to be certain. So I went to the Vault and I...Odin found me there, and we…”

Loki trailed off. He inhaled unsteadily and Steve wondered if he should say something or stay quiet and let Loki try to talk.

“We might need it,” he said. “That was what I was thinking. Of all the things Odin kept there - most were either too dangerous or I knew too little about to try to save. But the Tesseract is too important to lose track of, and _that..._ I can use it. I know how.” Loki licked his lips. “It is...a formidable weapon.”

Steve nodded slowly. “But that’s not all,” he said.

Loki looked away with a jerky nod. “It’s not.” He paused, then turned back to Steve and said, “maybe we should give it back.”

Steve blinked. “Give it back?”

“Yes,” Loki said. “They...Odin took it, at the end of the war. Confiscated it, as a blood price for Asgard’s dead - or perhaps just so he could possess it. I do not know. Whatever it does, it is valuable to them, as it seemingly never was to Odin - he left it there, unused, for...centuries. And I have begun to wonder if…” He trailed off, one of his hands tapping restlessly against his leg.

“What is it,” Steve asked. Loki jerked, then moved forward and sat down, movements sharp.

“Jotunheim is a ruined world,” he said. “Cold, dark. But if legends are to be believed - they must have been a stronger people, once. There are...structures on its surface that look like the ruins of cities. And when the Nine Realms battled the Mad Titan ages ago, Jotunheim fought alongside them.”

“And you think…?”

“I think perhaps the loss of the Casket hastened their fall,” Loki said after a moment, not looking at Steve. “That whatever it does...it has some power that perhaps helped sustain them. Their planet may already have been failing - perhaps that was the reason they came to Midgard. But if returning the Casket may help…we may need the alliance of as many of the Realms as we can get, again, soon.”

His voice wobbled slightly. Steve studied his profile, which was all he could see. “If that’s what you think,” he said slowly, “then what’s holding you back?”

Loki looked down. “Because they are monsters,” he said.

Steve frowned and opened his mouth, and Loki shook his head. “No - I know what you’ll say, and maybe you are right. But - I spent almost a thousand years with stories of the Frost Giants as a base people, savage, brutal, the stuff of Aesir children’s nightmares. I used to wake up screaming and crying from those nightmares, where they were coming to devour me. The histories trumpeted Asgard’s great victory, the claiming of the Casket - to protect the other Realms from the future depredations of the Jotnar. To punish them for attacking one of Asgard’s protectorate Realms.” His mouth twisted. “There is an irony to that now, knowing more of Asgard’s history.”

Steve felt vaguely sick. It was nothing that didn’t exist on Earth. Maybe more extreme, but - hearing it from Loki’s mouth made his stomach churn. Even knowing that he was talking as much about himself as anyone else. Maybe especially because of that.

“When I...when I learned that I was one of them. I thought it explained everything about me. Everything that was wrong with me. And when I failed at my attempt to prove that my biology was not my destiny, I took it for proof that it was. That the blood of a monster could not be overcome. What is the saying? ‘A leopard cannot change its spots.’”

“That’s never been true,” Steve said. “Of anyone.”

“No,” Loki said after a moment. “I think I know that, now. But I didn’t want to. Because if it was not my blood that made me monstrous, then it was just _me._ ” Loki’s lips curved, but there was no real smile in it. “ _Is_ just me, maybe.”

“You aren’t a monster,” Steve said, a little wearily. Loki shook his head.

“Maybe. But sometimes I feel like one.” He took a deep breath. “I try to tell myself that...Asgard was wrong about many things. That Asgard waded through the blood of many Realms, and Jotunheim tried to claim one - and yet they are the ones who are monsters? I try to convince myself that...I _remind_ myself that I owe them a blood price. And yet.” He closed his eyes.

Steve took a deep breath and let it out. “It’s not easy,” he said. “Unlearning...that kind of thing. That kind of _prejudice._ ” Prejudice absorbed over a thousand years. Deepened by the self-loathing that ran in Loki’s bones. “A lot of people never even try. That you are trying - that you want to - that matters.”

“Do I want to?” Loki asked quietly.

“On some level, you do,” Steve said. “Or you wouldn’t be doing it.” He paused. “You know what I’m going to say.”

“That I should give it back.”

“You should give it back,” Steve said.

“I can’t face them,” Loki said. “They’d kill me on sight. But if I just leave it there, it’s a meaningless gesture in terms of future alliance.”

“I could go,” Steve said, trying not to think about how well he’d do on a planet made out of ice. Loki shook his head.

“No,” he said immediately. “It is - too harsh. You’d freeze. No. I think…” Loki closed his eyes. “I think it has to be me.”

Steve’s throat squeezed closed. “But you said…”

Loki smiled weakly. “I can talk fast. And if...I can always run, if I need to. But this…” Loki bowed his head and looked away, his hands fidgeting in his lap. “This is something that I need to do. That _I_ need to face.”

Steve thought, vaguely, that he should be proud. What he was, more than that, was afraid. “What about Thor?” Steve asked. “Couldn’t he - could you take him with you?”

Loki shook his head with a thin, crooked smile. “If I am an unwelcome face, Thor would only make me doubly so. We are both killers, to them. Murderers. Alone, I am, at least potentially, unthreatening. If I bring Thor, that is no longer true.”

Steve squeezed his eyes closed. “Then _I_ can go with you. You can protect me-”

“Steve,” Loki said quietly, “I know what the cold does to you.”

Steve wanted to cringe. _Weak,_ he heard, even if he knew that wasn’t what Loki meant.

“I am not giving myself up as a prisoner,” Loki said. “I am not being reckless, Steve. Please believe me on that. I am...trying to mend a wrong.”

Steve needed to let him go. He knew it. This was a _good_ thing, it had to be - both practically and for Loki. _This is something that I need to do._

Steve took a deep breath and pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes. “Then...I guess you have to go,” he said.

“I’ll come back,” Loki said, reaching for Steve, wrapping his fingers around his wrist and gripping it tightly, and it was only then that Steve realized his hands were clenched into fists.

“You’d better,” Steve said hoarsely, barely above a whisper, and turned to pull Loki into a kiss, as fierce as it was gentle.

* * *

Steve expected Loki to call some kind of meeting to tell everyone what he was doing. What he got was waking up with a note on the pillow next to him that said simply _I won’t be gone long. No goodbyes, because this isn’t goodbye. I love you. -L_

Steve banged his head back against the mattress, groaning. He supposed he shouldn’t really be surprised. At least he knew where Loki was going. He tried texting him, and it didn’t bounce, but he had no way of knowing if Loki would see it.

_We’re going to have a talk about this when you get back,_ he sent anyway, and got up to go explain to the others. He wondered if Loki had taken off like this to avoid having to do just that.

He was about to exit into the hallway when Bucky came practically barrelling into the room and shoved a piece of paper in Steve’s face. “What the fuck is this,” he growled. Steve’s crossed eyes took in Loki’s slanted handwriting and he wanted to groan.

“What the fuck is he doing,” Bucky demanded, even more loudly. “Did you know about this? You don’t look surprised-”

“I knew he was going to leave. I didn’t know he was going to leave this morning before I got up.” Steve took the note from Bucky and read it quickly: _gone to see to something off-Realm. Keep an eye on Steve. Make sure he doesn’t spend all his time worrying._

“What does ‘see to something off-Realm’ mean?” Bucky demanded. “And on his own? I don’t know how you found someone who might have you beat for stupid and reckless but I assume you’re already on figuring out how to follow him-”

“No,” Steve said, “actually, I...he asked to do this on his own.”

“Of course he did,” Bucky growled. “And you _let_ him?”

Steve stiffened a little. “Yeah,” he said. “I did. Because this time I think it actually _is_ something he needs to do on his own. I don’t think any of us would be any help.”

“Help with what?” Bucky asked. “What is he doing?”

Steve rubbed his forehead. “What do you know about Loki’s background?”

Bucky shrugged. “Not much. It’s not something he really talks about.”

That...Steve felt a flash of frustration with Loki. He didn’t know what he’d want Steve to say; what he’d want people to know. If he hadn’t told Bucky already… “Has he said anything to you about Jotunheim?”

“One of his Nine Realms, right?” Bucky said. “The ice one.”

“Apparently Asgard stole something from them that might be...pretty important,” Steve said. “Loki’s gone to take it back.”

“So why would he need to do that on his own?”

Steve hesitated. It was Loki’s secret, not his. But Loki had left him to explain what he was doing to everyone else, and he didn’t know how to explain without telling them why it was important to Loki specifically, and why Steve had decided that he had to let him go. That joining him would just...complicate things.

Bucky’s lips twisted. “Is this some kind of atonement thing? Because he attacked them?”

“That’s part of it,” Steve said. “The rest...I don’t know if it’s mine to explain.”

There was something almost hurt in Bucky’s expression. “It’s a secret, huh?”

“It’s...something he doesn’t like to talk about.”

“Steve!” Wanda said, bursting in through the open door. “I think Loki’s-”

She came to a dead halt, looking from Bucky to Steve. “You already knew.”

“Yeah,” Bucky said, painfully dry. “You’re not the only one who got a note.”

Steve sighed, rubbing his forehead. _Dammit, Loki,_ he thought wearily. The least he could have done would be to explain more than he apparently had.

“It’s okay, Wanda,” he said. _I hope. God, it’d better be._ “It looks like we should just get everyone together now, before anyone else starts panicking.”

Wanda flushed. “I wasn’t panicking,” Bucky said defensively. Steve gave him a sidelong look, and he scowled. “I _wasn’t._ ”

“Sure,” Steve said. “My bad.” He kept his voice calm, even though the more he thought about it the more he worried he’d made a stupid mistake letting Loki go. _Have a little faith in him,_ he told himself, but given Loki’s history that felt like a tall order.

* * *

“I kind of feel like I should be insulted I didn’t get a personalized note,” Clint said. Sam looked like he was torn between laughing and putting his head down on the table in exasperation.

“Hey,” Valkyrie said. “I didn’t get one either.”

“Or me,” Scott said.

“Guess he just doesn’t like you much,” Bucky said to Clint, who shrugged.

“I can live with that.”

Steve had been most dreading Thor’s reaction, but it was almost...a non-reaction. If anything, he seemed distracted; _Jane_ seemed more concerned.

“Does he do this a lot?” Valkyrie asked. “The...disappearing, leaving dramatic notes behind…”

“No,” Steve said. “He doesn’t, and like I said, he didn’t just disappear. I knew Loki was leaving. I didn’t know he was leaving like _this,_ but I know where he is and what he’s doing-”

“What he says he’s doing,” Clint said. Steve gave him a hard look, and Clint grimaced. “Yeah, okay. Probably what he is doing.”

“This is just about making sure that no one’s...confused. Or worried. He’ll be back soon.” Steve hoped he sounded more confident than he really felt, deep down.

There weren’t any particularly happy faces around the table, so he didn’t really think it’d worked. “I guess I’ll just...keep everyone updated,” Steve said. If it wasn’t obvious. Hopefully Loki would come back quietly, without incident.

His memories provided him with the memory of coming back to the Tower, bloody handprints smeared on the wall, Loki sprawled on the couch and barely breathing.

Thor said something quietly to Jane and then looked at Steve. “If I may,” he said, “I would like to speak to Steve alone.”

Jane gave Thor a worried look but let Wanda shepherd her away after a brief pause where she looked like she wanted to say something. The others gradually trickled out after them, leaving just him and Thor, who sat down, rubbing absently at his eyepatch like he was checking if it was still there.

“I’m sorry,” Steve said, before Thor spoke. “I know...I really didn’t think he’d just take off like this without talking to anyone.”

Thor half smiled. “He used to do so often. Sometimes for months at a time. It drove mother mad, but father said…” He trailed off, brief pain flickering in his eye before he visibly shook himself. He pulled a folded piece of paper out of his pocket and held it out. “Would you read this?”

“Are you sure?” Steve asked. “It’s not...I don’t know, private?” Thor just made a sort of _go on_ gesture, so Steve unfolded the note. It was longer than the others.

> _Thor - you will probably not be surprised to learn that I did not leave the Vault empty-handed. I’ve left the Tesseract hidden on Earth; should anything happen to me, its location will become known to you. Until then, I think it better that as few people know where it is as possible. I would erase the knowledge from my own mind, if I did not fear the consequences._
> 
> _The other was the Casket of Ancient Winters._
> 
> _I am returning it to Jotunheim. Asgard has no more need of it, and we may have need of them in the future. I think, too, that it is time I face that which I have thus far tried to avoid. Odin’s final lesson to me, I think, is that the past will always find you. I would rather turn and face it first._
> 
> _Only you and Steve know the full truth of my intent. I would appreciate if you kept that state of affairs. However little it means to anyone on Midgard, the truth of my blood is not something I would like others to tell._
> 
> _Never doubt. Remember?_

It was unsigned.

Steve looked up, handing the note back to Thor. The bit about the Tesseract made him nervous, but he didn’t think that was what Thor was focused on. “What are you thinking?”

“I am afraid of what they will do to him,” Thor said. “Bad enough that he is a son of Odin, and as far as they believe of Asgard, but he...did them a grievous wrong.”

That wasn’t reassuring. “You don’t seem as worried as I’d expect,” Steve said slowly. Thor’s smile was faint.

“Because I am not running off after him?” Thor shook his head. “In this...for once, I think Loki is right to think he has to do this alone. My presence in particular would only make things worse, as I’m sure he knows, and more than that…” Thor took a seat, slowly, and leaned his chin on his hands. After a moment Steve sat down with him.

“Jotunheim and all it represents is Loki’s demon. I cannot fight it for him. I might be the worst person to try. Do you know that - I have never seen that shape. Imagined, but never seen. Do you know why I have not asked?”

Steve thought he could guess. “Why?”

“Because I fear how I would react,” Thor said. “I fear that I would flinch, or recoil, and the moment I did so-” Thor shook his head. “That would be the end of it.”

Steve grimaced. “That’s...he wouldn’t just turn away from you. Not now.”

“No,” Thor said. “Perhaps not. But he would never trust me again, not wholly. Maybe not at all.” Thor turned to look Steve in the eye. “I am a coward. I hope that, if Loki might find some acceptance for himself, it will make it easier for me to find mine.”

Steve looked down at his hands, fidgeting with them a little. “The way Loki talks about them,” he said. “The Frost Giants, I mean. I know that...when you were kids, they were the enemy. What do you think about them now?”

“I think that when I was a child, I believed things to be much simpler than they are,” Thor said. “Asgard reigned because she was the greatest of the Nine. My father was good, fair, and wise. The Realm Eternal was...eternal, and her enemies were monsters who deserved death in glorious warfare. And now...none of those things are true.” Steve glanced at Thor, whose gaze was far away, distant.

“When Mother and Father told me about Loki - when we thought he was dead - my first thought was that it was impossible,” Thor said. “Later, I convinced myself that he was...some sort of exception. Surely he could not come from a race of - bloodthirsty, brutish conquerors.” Thor huffed out a weak laugh. “A description, in retrospect, as much of Asgard herself.”

“Bad things happen when one group of people starts thinking they’re better than others,” Steve said quietly.

“So they do,” Thor said after a moment. “Now...now I suppose all I can really know is that I am ignorant. I know nothing about the Jotnar or Jotunheim except of them as warriors. But it is still...hard. To unthink the things that I believed for so long.” Thor rubbed his eyepatch absently. “And there are many things to unthink. Not just about the Jotnar. About everything. I think I perhaps understand better now how Loki felt, back then. The fear that comes with all certainty seeming to crumble under your feet.”

“I’m sorry,” Steve said. “That you know that now.” He might not have experienced it like this. But he did know how it felt to be thrown off balance, everything you knew yanked out from under your feet, fundamentally changed in a blink of an eye. His blink had been seventy years long and sometimes he still felt its reverberations.

Thor shook himself, and visibly drew up a smile. “I should not be too gloomy. I still have my mother,” he said. “And Loki. We stopped Hela. I am among friends. Enough talk of _me._ If I am - uneasy, how much more so you must be?”

“I am,” Steve said. “But I have to trust that...I have to trust him. To do this. And I want it to be good for him. I want him to - like you said, find some acceptance.” Let this wound, scarcely acknowledged, maybe begin to heal.

* * *

One day passed into two. Steve went to one of the simulation training rooms and set the difficulty on high, going until he was almost dripping sweat, breathless, and slightly less worried. Maybe it was a good thing that it was taking some time. Maybe it meant there were actual conversations being had, that Loki hadn’t just bolted right off; or maybe time passed differently there.

Or maybe he’d been captured, or killed, or fallen into some kind of ice crevasse and was lying there at the bottom slowly dying-

He never should have let him go alone.

“Steve?” Wanda poked her head tentatively through the door. “Are you...done?”

“Sorry,” Steve said, quickly straightening up. “Yeah - I’m done. I’ll clear out.”

“No, actually - I wanted to talk to you,” Wanda said.

Steve looked at her, taking in the slight furrow of her eyebrows. “Is something wrong?”

She gave him a small, slightly pained smile. “That’s what I was going to ask you, actually. Or, well - if you were all right.”

“Oh - yeah,” Steve said quickly. “I’m fine. Don’t worry about me, Wanda.” She raised her eyebrows, expression still kind but definitely skeptical. “Really,” Steve insisted, more firmly. “I _am_ fine.”

She shook her head. “You and Loki,” she murmured, and then said, “come with me? Clint, Pietro and I are making _janija._ ”

“Let me take a shower,” Steve said. “Then...sure, I’ll join.”

Wanda smiled. “I’ll tell Clint we’re doubling the recipe.”

Steve took a quick shower and went to find them, grateful for the distraction. He went to Wanda’s suite and knocked on the door. Wanda opened it with a smile and Steve heard Pietro say, “how long is this going to take?”

“It would’ve been faster if you’d cut the onions right the first time,” Clint said. “Precision over speed, buddy.”

Wanda laughed a little. “They’re always like this,” she said. “Come in.” Steve followed her inside; Clint raised one hand in a short little wave.

“Hi, Steve,” he said. “How’s it going?”

“All right,” Steve said automatically. “Thanks for letting me butt in.”

“Hey, no problem. The more the merrier.”

Pietro lifted his head from where he was chopping an onion with what looked like exaggerated slowness. “Steve,” he said, with a small smile. Steve smiled back.

“Can I help with anything?” He asked.

“Nah,” Clint said. “Sit back, relax, enjoy the results.”

Wanda touched Steve’s shoulder briefly and went back over to the kitchen. Steve trailed after her and sat down at the island, feeling a little awkward just watching them work.

“Still no word from Loki?” Clint said. Steve gave him a startled look, but Clint was scraping meat into a skillet sizzling with oil.

“No,” Steve said carefully. “Not yet.”

“Hasn’t Jane figured out some kind of interdimensional intergalactic cell phone yet? Seems like something that’d be useful.”

“She’s an astrophysicist,” Steve said. “I don’t think that’s so much her specialty.”

“Maybe Shuri could do it,” Wanda said. “You should ask.”

Steve made a face. “That seems kind of presumptuous.”

“Or she might like the challenge.”

It was the kind of thing, Steve thought, that he’d ask Tony about. If they were still talking. “I’ll think about it.”

“Don’t just think about it,” Clint said. “You’re going to end up with a permanent furrow in your brow if you keep worrying that hard.”

“I can’t help it,” Steve said. “I’m just a worrier. Can I ask what _janija_ is?”

“It’s a stew,” Pietro said, not looking up from the onion he was _still_ chopping. “Our mother used to make it.” He glanced at Clint. “We’ll see if _he_ can manage it.”

“Clint’s a good cook,” Wanda said, frowning at Pietro. “Is that all right?” She asked Steve. “I didn’t think to ask if you’d like…”

“I like stews,” Steve said quickly, offering her a smile. “Don’t worry. I’m not a picky eater.”

“Couldn’t be,” Clint said. “What did you eat, back in the day? Boiled potatoes, boiled cabbage, find something edible and just boil it-”

“It did me fine,” Steve said, a little defensively. Clint grinned at him.

“Uh huh. But don’t tell me you haven’t learned the ways of roasting your fucking vegetables. Oh, come _on,_ Pietro.”

“You said to do it slowly,” Pietro said. Clint made a face at him, and Steve couldn’t help but smile, though he ducked his head to hide it.

“Like I said,” Wanda said, smiling at him, “they’re always like this.”

“So, Steve,” Clint said. “I still haven’t heard much about your space adventure. Other than the loose outlines: found Thor, went to Asgard, fought your way out. I heard something about a trash planet?”

Steve grimaced, wrinkling his nose. He wondered what was happening there. He hoped the revolt had been successful and the Grandmaster was overthrown. The fact was that he’d probably never know. “Where Thor was being held prisoner, yeah.”

“Gladiator-style. I’m going to have to show him that movie, now.” Clint paused, and when he looked up his expression was more serious. “Sounds like it was a nasty place.”

“It was.”

“Some kind of insane, all powerful overlord?” Clint shook his head. “Christ. Are all the other planets as fucked up as this one? It’s be cool, just once, to find somewhere actually _nice._ Peaceful, friendly…”

“If it exists, we’d better not go there,” Steve said. “Trouble would probably just follow.”

Pietro snorted. Wanda made a noise of protest. “I don’t think it’s like that,” she said. “I think we just end up following trouble.”

“Good call, Wanda,” Clint said. “I like that order better.”

It was good being around them, Steve thought. They’d formed...a weird kind of family, even within the weird kind of family that was the rest of them. And with Clint cut off from his family, and Natasha not here…

“Have you heard from Laura?” He asked abruptly. Clint’s stirring didn’t hitch.

“Still haven’t,” he said. “But you said Nat helped them relocate, right? Which means she’s keeping an eye on them. I trust Nat.” Wanda looked down, and Clint glanced at her. “Uh-uh, kid. This one ain’t your fault.”

“It’s Stark’s,” Pietro growled.

“It’s Ross’s,” Steve said. “First and foremost. That’s...good, Clint. I’m glad to hear it. We’ll figure out a way for you to get back in touch with them, make sure they know you’re all right.”

Wanda glanced up. “Could Loki go?”

Steve hadn’t actually considered that. He looked at Clint, who actually looked like he was thinking about it for a few seconds before shaking his head. “Maybe he could. But honestly, if he has some kind of creepy magic way of finding them, I don’t want to know about it. And I don’t want _him_ to try it.” He paused. “Sorry, Steve. Just…”

“No,” Steve said. “It’s fine.”

“Besides,” Clint said, one corner of his lips twitching up a little, “Laura’d probably shoot him on sight. She holds a grudge better than anyone else I know.”

Steve winced. Pietro snorted and pushed the cutting board with its chopped onion toward Clint. “Happy now?” He asked.

“Absolutely,” Clint said. “Now cube the potatoes.”

Pietro let out an exasperated sigh. Wanda looked like she was trying to cover a laugh with her hand. Steve looked at all of them and suddenly felt a peculiar mix of happy and lonely.

“Hey,” Clint said, quieter. “Loki’ll be fine. A few - what, Frost Giants? He can handle it.”

_Maybe in a fight,_ Steve thought. _But this is something different._ Still, he dredged up a smile. “I know,” he said, even though he didn’t.

* * *

“Well,” Sam said, looking Steve up and down, “you don’t look crazy yet.”

Steve grimaced at him. “Of course I don’t.”

“I wasn’t taking it for granted.” Sam walked in past Steve without asking. “What Loki’s doing. How stupid is it on a scale of “eating a ghost pepper that one time” to “trying to destroy the entirety of Hydra”?”

Steve rubbed the bridge of his nose. “I don’t know,” he said. “Somewhere in the middle?” Though the more time went by, the more he was afraid Loki might have miscalculated. “He’s...being careful.”

“Loki? Careful?”

“He _is_ capable of it,” Steve said. “And in this case I think he actually will be.”

“And what that case is you’re still not telling,” Sam said. Steve shook his head.

“It’s Loki’s business.”

“Mysterious,” Sam said. He sat down on the couch, kicking his feet up on the table.

“I haven’t asked,” Steve said. “How did it go while we were gone?”

“All right,” Sam said. “Nothing exploded this time. Bucky seems to be less twitchy around Wanda, which is good, and also seems to mean that Clint is less likely to pick fights with Bucky. Scott’s surprisingly good at defusing tense situations, though I think it’s mostly by accident. Pietro only snapped at people two or three times as opposed to six or seven, so that’s good, too.” He paused. “Ross announced the successful launch of the new Enhanced Persons Task Force in the United States.”

Steve gave him a sharp look. “Ross what?”

“Yeah,” Sam said. “Sounds great, doesn’t it? Nothing new on Loki or Bucky, though. Just cycling the same stuff, periodically.”

Steve walked over and sat down. “If I ever retire,” Steve said, “I’m nominating you for team leader.”

“Yeah, no,” Sam said with a laugh. “I don’t want that job. Corralling superheroes is like herding cats, if the cats had superpowers and more drama than my mom’s soaps.” Steve winced, and Sam pointed a finger at him. “You know I’m right.”

“You’re good at it, though,” Steve said. Sam gave him a sidelong look.

“I was good at babysitting, too. Still hated changing diapers. Nah, you can give that job to someone else. I’ll just stand back and critique how they’re doing.”

Steve ducked his head and laughed, a little. Sam half smiled.

“Hey,” he said. “Seriously, though. I’m impressed by how well you’re keeping it together.”

Steve gave him a helpless, weak, smile. “I don’t feel like I am.”

“Course you don’t,” Sam said. “But you’re not chewing off your fingernails, or...at least _visibly_ panicking, and that’s pretty good, for you.”

“I’m not _that_ much of a worrier,” Steve said. Sam gave him a skeptical look.

“Sure,” he said. “You’re not terrified of losing people. You aren’t living with the trauma of having seen all your friends die around you. Or worse, not seeing them. You don’t try to carry the whole goddamn world on your shoulders like it’s your responsibility. That doesn’t sound like you at all.” Steve stared at him, pained, and Sam shrugged. “I’d like to think I know you by now, Steve. You worry. And, fair, you’ve got plenty of reasons for it, but…”

Steve looked down, biting the inside of his cheek. “It’s just...Loki.”

“Like I said,” Sam said. “Not like you don’t have plenty of reasons for it. Maybe especially with him. Swear to god, he’s the weirdest combination of incredibly lucky and terrifyingly unlucky in one person I’ve ever seen.”

That was...a surprisingly apt description, Steve thought. He pulled a bit of a face. “Yeah.”

“If you want,” Sam said, “you can come to tonight’s Uno game. Maybe you can help me figure out how Bucky’s cheating.”

“How do you cheat at Uno?” Steve asked.

“I have no idea,” Sam said. “That’s why I need the help.”

* * *

It’d been a week since Loki’d taken off in the night. Steve hunted down Thor and found him with Val, the two of them apparently companionably watching a soccer game. “What’s the point again?” Val asked. “They’re just trying to...get the little ball into the net. With their feet.”

“Yes,” Thor said. “Exactly.” He paused. “You would probably like the Americans’ football better.”

“Huh. I think I’d rather play than watch.” She glanced over at Steve. “You’ve got a visitor, Your Highness.”

Thor gave her an aggrieved look. “I told you to call me Thor.”

“That wouldn’t be very proper of me, now would it,” she said. “Steve.”

“Hey,” Steve said. “Are you settling in all right?”

“Oh, definitely,” Val said. Steve wondered if he should believe that, and decided, at least for now, to take it at face value.

“Did something happen?” Thor asked, his eyebrows furrowed, and Steve shook his head.

“No,” he said. “There’s...still no word. I just thought I’d...stop by. If you’re busy, though-”

“He’s not,” Val said, and grinned. “I have a date with Aneka.” She stood up, though she paused, glancing back and forth between them. Her grin faded. “Look,” she said, “if you’re going on some kind of rescue mission...let me know. Right? Loki got us out of Asgard before Surtur burned it to a crisp. I guess I kind of owe him for that.”

She left without waiting for either of them to respond. Thor looked after her for a moment.

“Is she really settling in all right?” Steve asked him.

“I don’t know that she’d say if she wasn’t,” Thor said. “But I am...trying to help.” His eyebrows drew further together. “It’s a week today, isn’t it?”

Steve walked over and sat down. “I thought he’d be back by now.”

“I would have too.” Thor glanced down. “Maybe it is a good sign? That they are...speaking in some detail?”

“I hope so,” Steve said. He looked down at his hands. “What if this makes everything worse? If something goes wrong…”

_What if something goes wrong and it just makes him even more sure that his people, that_ he’s, _a monster?_

Thor shook his head. “I don’t think…” He trailed off, then, and seemed to adjust what he’d been about to say. “Loki isn’t...you said it yourself. He’s grown. Changed.”

“In a lot of ways,” Steve said quietly. “But I don’t know if…” He took a breath. _I think, deep down, he still hates himself. That self-loathing that runs so deep he doesn’t even see it._ “What happened with Amora,” he said, finally. “It...left marks. Left him - and God, don’t let him know I said this - fragile. Not weak, or anything, just - she opened a lot of old wounds.”

“And you are afraid if this meeting goes poorly it may open more,” Thor said. Steve jerked his head in a nod. “If it does,” Thor said after a moment, “we will be here.”

_Is that enough?_ Steve thought. “Yeah,” he said. “We will.”

“And not only us,” Thor said. “It seems Loki has made a number of friends in my absence.”

Steve had to smile. “He has,” he said, with a certain amount of pride. “Or, well. In some cases just accepted that he already had them.” He paused. “I should’ve asked...how are _you_ doing?”

“Well enough,” Thor said. Steve gave him a wry smile.

“Is that what it sounds like when I say it?”

Thor huffed. “I am. I am...adjusting. So much has changed. Here, and…” His hand drifted up toward the patch over his eye. “I miss...home. For so long, even when I was absent, I knew it was there. I thought it would always be there. Remaining the same. But nothing does.

“My father is gone. That...still does not seem real, even as I know he was old. He was as eternal as the sun, to me. And yet the taste of that is bitter, too; tainted by the secrets he kept. By the fact of...I lost faith in his infallibility after Loki’s fall. But this…”

Thor shook himself. “I remind myself that I must be grateful,” he said. “For you. For Loki. For Sif, and Hogun, and Volstagg. For Val, even. All who survived.”

“Doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt,” Steve said quietly.

“And I still grieve for her, too,” Thor said. “For Hela. For all she did...I remember when I was young, and chased war. When I took pleasure in bloodshed and battle. Had I not had father and mother holding me back, had even _Loki_ to temper me sometimes - might I not have walked the same path?”

“There but for the grace of God,” Steve said. Thor looked at him, and he shook his head. “Just a saying. Though for what it’s worth - I didn’t know you then, but I don’t think you would’ve.” He half smiled. “Funnily enough, Loki said the same thing. That he saw himself in her.”

Thor’s expression turned wry. “They do share a certain sense of style.” He took in a deep breath and let it out. “Steve...you have always been a true friend. I am honored that you will be my brother.”

Steve looked down. “Me, too. Couldn’t ask for a better one.”

“Loki might argue,” Thor said, but with a smile. “When he returns...well, you have been waiting long enough, I think.”

Steve caught himself rubbing his ring with his thumb. “Probably,” he said. “We’d better...set a date before anything new goes all to hell. Though with our luck Ross will crash the wedding.”

“Should he try,” Thor said, “I will personally ensure that he suffers for it.” He sounded entirely sincere. And worryingly dangerous. His smile came back, though, and he leaned forward. “You know...I don’t think you ever told me how your engagement came about.”

Steve felt himself flush a little. “I guess it’s kind of a funny story,” he said. “In retrospect. At the time…”

Thor sat back. “Well,” he said. “That sounds like the best kind of story. Tell me everything.”

* * *

Steve woke up suddenly, uncertain why. He sat up, hair on the back of his neck prickling, and strained his ears, but he couldn’t hear anything that would account for his instinct that something had changed.

He got up slowly, reaching for his new shield, and slowly moved toward the door, keeping his steps light. He opened it, standing out of the line of immediate fire if someone was waiting down the hall, and saw that there was a dim light out in the main room.

Steve lowered his shield and moved a little more easily down the hall, not quite smiling but hopeful. He stepped out and saw Loki sitting at the counter, illuminated by a small globe of floating light, and digging into a bowl of yogurt like he hadn’t eaten in days.

Maybe he hadn’t, Steve thought with some resignation, but he couldn’t help smiling with relief.

“Hey,” he said. “You could’ve woken me up.”

Loki looked up sharply, spoon halfway to his mouth, and then set it down. “I was actually trying to avoid that,” he said. His face was hard to read, and Steve’s stomach tightened. He looked him over quickly, but he didn’t look hurt, at least.

“You were...gone for a while,” he said. “At least, here.”

Loki glanced away. “I am...sorry to have worried you.”

“I didn’t say I was worried,” Steve said.

“You didn’t have to.” Loki’s smile was crooked, a little uncertain. He seemed...it took Steve a moment to pin it down. Fragile. Steve’s stomach tightened further and he walked over; Loki stood and covered the few strides between them to hug Steve, hard enough to make his ribs creak. Even nervous, some of the tension Steve had been carrying leaked away just for feeling Loki there. He wrapped his arms around Loki, holding him, trying not to let his fear get ahead of him.

“Can I ask how it went?” He said, not letting go.

“It...went.” Loki made a faint sound, not really a laugh. “They didn’t kill me, as you can see. Though I can’t say they were pleased to see me, either. I had to talk fairly quickly.” He paused. “I told them...I told them.”

It only took Steve a second to understand. “That you’re…”

“That I am one of them, yes.” Loki didn’t pull away. “I didn’t mention...that their former king was my birth father. I didn’t think that their _current_ leader would take kindly to what might look like an attempt to usurp his power.”

“Their current leader,” Steve said carefully. “Is he…”

Loki was silent for several long seconds. “It seems I have more siblings yet,” he said. “I, who often wished to be an only child. It turns out not only did I have a sister, there are also two _other_ half brothers. The family tree sprawls ever wider.”

Steve chewed the inside of his cheek. “So they don’t know about you. You didn’t tell them, either.”

“No,” Loki said, something faintly defensive in his voice. “I did not. I don’t know them. I don’t know that I _want_ to know them. And I am quite certain they would rather not know me.”

“Why are you sure about that?”

Loki snorted. “‘Because whatever my blood, I am Aesir,’” he said, and Steve could tell it was a quotation. “I did not mention that according to Odin’s decree, I am not. Which begs the question of what exactly I _am._ Perhaps I should start calling myself a Midgardian?” There was something briefly brittle in his voice and Steve squeezed him. He couldn’t think of anything to say, though.

“At any rate,” Loki said, after a brief pause. “I offered Laufey’s heir - Helblindi, apparently - the Casket. He asked why, and I told him…” Loki exhaled quietly. “I told him that Asgard had burned. I do not think he mourned that. Then I told him that I had retrieved the Casket before it was consumed, and was returning it to its home.” He paused again.

“He said no gift of Asgard was free, and especially not one from the hand of a...I am not sure the term translates, but I gather it was insulting. He asked if I thought their memories were so short as to forget that I murdered their king, his father. And he asked why he should let me leave alive, rather than having me dismembered and the pieces thrown into a crevasse.”

Steve flinched, his throat closing even though - obviously - Loki had gotten out safely. Still. “What did you say?”

“I told him that Thanos was coming,” Loki said. “That he was a threat to tear the universe asunder. That old hatreds needed to be set aside. That it was true my motives were not unselfish, but that selfishness is the desire to see the Realms preserved. Apparently my fear convinced him where altruism did not.” Loki pulled away from Steve and gave him a wry, unhappy smile. “He took the Casket and told me to go.”

Steve hesitated. “That doesn’t sound like it took so long.”

“It didn’t.” Loki pulled out of Steve’s hold entirely, turning his back. “I asked - one of the children, actually, they were marginally less suspicious of me, perhaps on account of the fact that I was roughly their size - where the temple was. The one where I was...where Odin found me.” Loki’s voice hitched slightly. “It was not a long walk. I had to...change. Being there, in _that_ form…” He trailed off. “--I found the temple. What was left of it - a ruin. I stood at the center of it.”

“What happened?” Steve asked quietly.

“Nothing,” Loki said. He looked over his shoulder, smile unhappy. “I don’t know what I expected. Some message from the past? Some clarity, or understanding, or...relief? And instead all I felt was emptiness.” He laughed, weakly. “I should have known better. But I stayed, just the same. A day, then two. Waiting for...answers, I suppose. None were forthcoming. A blizzard blew in and I fled to the shelter of a cave, where I hid and dreamed of you. When I woke up, I left, and came back here.”

He sounded exhausted. Not just physically, though Steve suspected that was there, too. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I know you wanted…”

“I don’t know what I wanted,” Loki said, looking down. “But I should have known. Nothing is ever simple. There are no easy answers. We may carry the past with us but there is no going back.”

Steve’s chest ached for a moment. “No,” he said. “There isn’t, is there.”

“You would know,” Loki said, but gently, and turned to walk back to him, reaching for Steve’s hands and taking them in his. “But I think...I think I needed to go. Even if nothing came of it. The Casket needed to be returned, and I needed...to know that I wouldn’t find what I needed there. Whatever that is, and I still don’t know.”

“And what…” Steve hesitated to ask, but he needed to. “What do you think of them, now? Any differently?”

“Maybe,” Loki said. “I...don’t know. I...tried. To see them as they are, rather than what I expected. To look past the warriors. To ask questions. They still...look like monsters. But perhaps they seem more like people.”

It wasn’t as much as Steve wanted. But he supposed it was something. Progress, maybe.

“I’m sorry it wasn’t what you wanted,” he said.

“As am I,” Loki said. “But I…” He inhaled, and exhaled slowly. “I don’t regret it. In his own way, Helblindi was right. I am not Jotun, any more than I am Aesir. Maybe I don’t know what I am. Maybe something of both. Maybe neither. Myself, I suppose. Whatever that is.”

“Maybe it doesn’t matter,” Steve said. “I don’t think it does. Where you’re from. Or it _shouldn’t_ matter, not when it comes to...who you are as a person.”

“I’d like to believe that,” Loki said quietly. “I am not certain I do.” He let go of Steve’s hands and flexed his fingers; one hand changed, blue spreading from his fingers to his wrist, while the other stayed the same. Loki stared at them both for just a moment, then flinched and looked away, his skin changing back.

“I’m proud of you,” Steve said. Loki glanced sharply back at him.

“You are?” He stuttered a laugh. “Why?”

“You did a good thing for people you were raised hating,” Steve said. “Giving them back something you could have kept for yourself.”

“You know it wasn’t altruistic,” Loki said, but Steve shook his head.

“It doesn’t matter if you had other reasons for doing it,” he said. “Two years ago, or five - would you have given it back?”

Loki grimaced slightly. “No. Probably not. A part of me still doubts if I should have done it now.”

“But you did,” Steve insisted. “And that’s...I’m proud of you for it.”

Something seemed to slip out of Loki, some barely perceptible tension. His smile was still faint, a little melancholy, but it looked truer - warmer. “You cannot know how much that means to hear.”

Steve felt a pang. “That I’m proud of you?”

“Yes,” Loki said.

_You shouldn’t need me to be,_ Steve thought. _I don’t want you to hang on my approval._ “I am,” he said. “All the time.”

Loki dropped his head, faint color rising in his cheeks. “Ah, Steve,” he said. “Beloved.” He stepped back in, one hand sliding to the back of Steve’s neck, resting his forehead against Steve’s. His eyes were closed, and if he still looked weary, his brow was smooth.

“We should tell Thor you’re back,” Steve said. “And everyone else. It’s not just me who was worried. I can’t believe you just - took off and left two line notes. Bucky’s going to give you an earful.”

Loki laughed a little, barely audible. “I didn’t know what to tell them. What is the saying? Better to ask forgiveness than permission?”

“I guess you’d better get on asking forgiveness, then,” Steve said.

Loki exhaled. “In a moment,” he said. “A few more moments. Just like this.”


End file.
